Text: Daniel Johnson
Screen Captures: Daniel Johnson
Woops! Wrong "Crazy for You" music video! Okay let me search the Raging Anteater vault one more time and see what I can come up with. Searching...searching...ah yes here it is.
Yes, some guy revving up his motorcycle. That can only mean one thing of course, this guy's one badass! But who could this badass be? Alice Cooper? Judd Nelson? George Thorogood? Let's just see...
Hey that looks kind of like...
It is! The Knight Rider himself, Mr. David Hasselhoff! Yes, when he's not having his daughter film him in a drunken stupor or insulting the talents of other horrible musicians on "America's Got [No] Talent" he's pursuing his 20+ year music career. It's really pretty sad when you think about it. This guy was one of the three focal points of the cash cow, global phenomenon "Baywatch" (the other two of course being Pamela Anderson's massive jugs) and yet never reached success outside of Germany.
Well back to the music video. Aside from lots and lots of shots of Hasselhoff aimlessly riding around on his bike, it also features the legendary performer sporting incredibly archaic fashion.
I mean Heavens those rhinestones would make Rob Halford blush. Unfortunately, while the visuals may beckon the memory of Judas Priest, the music certainly doesn't as Hasselhoff repeatedly sings the chorus of "Crazy for You" in a manner more repetitive than the "Imagination Song" featured on a recent episode of "South Park." Seriously, if you're thinking of tracking this video down, please don't. You'll never get this annoying chorus out of your head.
Okay, for all you masochist out there here it is, but don't say I didn't warn you!
Well after shot after shot after shot of Hasselhoff on his bike, a new image is finally presented about a minute and thirty seconds into the video.
For whatever reason the director of this video decided for some unearthly reason to cross-cut the images of the rhinestone laden Hasselhoff with shots of him at some county fair. Just who exactly was the target audience for this video? The Village People?
Just when you think it couldn't get any "better" the director decides to go for some more groundbreaking camera work as he apparently has found the zoom button on his camera. Subsequently the next forty seconds are spent switching between close-ups and far shots of Hasselhoff at the fair.
Close:
Far:
Personally, I just think it was an excuse to get David Hasselhoff on the Merry-go-round for free. Come on guys, you obviously didn't spend the budget on the music video, couldn't the Hoff have shelled out the buck needed to ride with the kiddies?
And of course between all of these shots are plenty of images of the Hoff on his bike.
Getting back to the budget, the dueling images of Hasselhoff finally come together as the leather clad Hasselhoff parks his bike in front of a giant rollercoaster.
With approximately 437 shots of David Hasselhoff riding his motorcycle in the middle of nowhere in this video, one could hardly imagine that this film crew had the cash needed to construct a rollercoaster. That of course means that in order to get this picture, at least part of an amusement park had to be cleared out for the crew to set up shooting.
Could you imagine the mess that must have been? Like a guy shows up to the park with a nagging wife and two screaming kids, who will only be satisfied once they've ridden the rollercoaster.
Guy: Okay, kids here's the stupid rollercoaster, now let me crack open this six-pack.
Amusement Park Worker: I�m sorry sir, but your children cannot go on the rollercoaster. The ride's closed.
Guy: Why? What the Hell for!?
Amusement Park Worker: David Hasselhoff is filming a music video here.
Guy: You're kidding right?
Amusement Park Worker: I wish I was.
Up next we get what looks to be on the surface the worst screen capture yet.
Hasselhoff's bag or rather the piece of luggage attached to his bike. Although initially looking as pointless and bland as the rest of the video, this bag contains a breathtaking surprise.
WIENER DOG!!! While I do detect just the slightest bit of terror in the dog's eye, I'm more surprised that the dog didn't just vomit after poking his head out of the Hoff's sack. After all he has apparently been sitting in that bag for seven hours while Hasselhoff has been whizzing around on his bike.
Hasselhoff on the other hand looks thrilled to see his little companion. By his enthusiastic body mannerisms, you'd think he'd just found that bottle of Jack Daniels he hid in the toilet.
However, as I'm sure some readers out there can attest, never trust a wiener dog. After only a few seconds at the county fair, the dog gets lost causing the concerned Hoff to look for his little buddy in a panic.
Yeah, I know that last sentence sounded really sketchy, especially considering one of the first characters's the Hoff ever played was a guy named Boner. Anyways the dog is lost and wouldn't you know it just happens to be right near the entryway of the rollercoaster ride! With seemingly no other place to look, the Hoff does the only thing any logical person would do, sit on the rollercoaster ride to think things through.
That's when it really hits the fan as it turns out the little mutt was playing opossum all along. As Hasselhoff turns around just in time to see his little wiener (I know, I know) put the ride in motion as the dog stands on top of the ride's control panel.
Bravo Mr. Hasselhoff! Bravo! Admittedly at first I doubted this music video, but with a plot twist so unpredictable that it would surprise M. Night Shyamalan, I have to give props to the old Hoffster.
However, the next scene is a little less prop worthy as Hasselhoff looks like he is in the process of experiencing a bad trip.
In between shots of Hoff on his bike, I guess the director missed him dropping acid. This is rather obvious when Hoff appears to see in various colors as the title of the song flashes rapidly on the screen as Hoff builds up increasing speed on the rollercoaster.
After a while Hasselhoff appears to just give up and enjoy himself, letting his trip take him to wherever it may.
Or maybe he just lost his mind, I don't know. Anyways after one more shot of the Hoff on his bike.
The music video ends, but not before Hasselhoff flashes one of the most goddamn creepy smiles I have ever seen, which leads me to believe the Hoff has indeed lost his mind.
By the way whatever happened to that dog?
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